stray nighttime thoughts

For a full explanation of the Cinema Syllabus, see this post! 

Fronds, we did it. El and I watched every Broccoli-produced Bond movie ever made. And it was so much fun. 

I find myself, much like every Bond Girl, very much in love with James Bond against my will, against my better judgement, and against all logic and reason. He's terrible. I adore him. His movies are terrible. I love them. (Ok, not all of them, but like...the vast majority.) His adventures and shenanigans are ridiculous and nonsensical and I deeply enjoyed the process of working through all of them. 

It was fascinating to watch them all in order--to see how each era influenced the next, how each Bond informed the decisions of the next actor. I was super interested to see how the franchise changed and molded itself not just to the political and societal fears and sensibilities of the time, but to the cinematic trends and pop culture hits. The only reason Moonraker exists is because of Star Wars. The Pierce Brosnan movies reflect the increased emphasis on action movies in the industry. Daniel Craig rebooted the franchise entirely, but moves closer to Sean Connery than any of his predecessors. It was very cool to see the development of the character and the series over the course of decades. But it's also very clear that the franchise as a whole does not have an identity--each era, perhaps, has their own, but ultimately, the identity of Bond Movies is mostly informed by what other franchises around it were doing at any given time. Star Wars has an identity. The MCU has an identity. And yes, these franchises might change and grow to reflect the habits and mores of their times, but they are still, ultimately, themselves. You know what you are getting when you watch one of their movies. Bond, on the other hand, is wildly unpredictable and can come in any shape or form from Looney Tunes to Dramatic Thriller. It's wild. 

Even the most iconic Bon things--tuxedos, martinis, cars, and sex--are not consistent across the whole franchise!! Brosnan only wears a suits when forced! I don't think Dalton drinks a martini once (champagne is way more often all of the Bonds' drink of choice anyway!!). Craig would rather not have sex, thanks, unless it's with two specific women across five movies. Moore doesn't have cool cars (though that might just be because there are no cool cars in the 80s....). But the amazing thing is that no matter how inconsistent and malleable the character and his identity are, every single one of these movies is undeniably, unmistakably A Bond Movie. Which is quite a feat, to be honest, and something to be applauded. 

I discovered that my preferred Bond is a nice blend of seriousness and shenanigans. Sean Connery ended up being my favorite, partially because he has so much charisma and partially because his movies all fit delicately into a perfect niche of stupid and grave. There are shark pits and quips and a spaceship that eats other spaceships, but there are also moving character notes, great action set pieces, and some decidedly cool stunt work. (And one-hundred-and-one-and-a-half ninjas.) Roger Moore came out last in my rankings because there was not enough seriousness--only Looney Tunes shenanigans; and Pierce Brosnan was second-to-last for the opposite reason: his movies took themselves a little too seriously (especially considering they still contained Looney Tunes shenanigans). But ultimately, even the worst Bond movie was still a riot, and I had fun. 

I do wish I could talk to Dad about Bond. Alas. 

Overall, I highly suggest watching all of them in order once and then only ever watching your favorites again. Seeing the progress of the franchise is such a cool thing to watch in marathon, especially if you, like me, are a lover of cinema and the industry. But there are definitely some movies in there that never have to be revisited ever again. By anyone. Ever. I try not to judge anyone for their movie opinions, and everyone loves what they love, but anyone watching Die Another Day for fun should probably be checked for brain damage. (There are no wrong Bond opinions, but if Roger Moore or late-Brosnan are your favorite, you are wrong.) 

Anyway, all this to say: this was so much fun and I thoroughly enjoyed this project, and I will be grabbing DVDs of my favorites to rewatch repeatedly. I am, unfortunately, unrepentantly a Bond Girl (I mean, I'm not--I don't have a silly name, I've never been naked for a man, and I'm not intrinsic to the plot, but you get the idea). Here's my definitive rankings: 

Bonds, Favorite to Least: Sean Connery, Daniel Craig, Timothy Dalton, George Lazenby, Pierce Brosnan, Roger Moore 
Exceptional Bond Girl Shoutouts: Tatiana Romanova (From Russia with Love), Aki (You Only Live Twice), Teresa de Vicenzo (oHMSS), Wai Lin (Tomorrow Never Dies), Vesper Lynd (Casino Royale), Camille Montes (Quantum of Solace)
Favorite Bond Henchmen: Oddjob (Goldfinger), Nick Nack (MwtGG), May Day (View to a Kill), Necros (Living Daylights)
Best Theme Songs: No Time to Die, Skyfall, Goldfinger, the World is Not Enough, **Honorable mention to We Have All the Time in the World, which is not technically the theme song of oHMSS, but is definitely worth a mention on this list 

Movies, ranked, Worst to Best: 

25. Die Another Day
24. Octopussy
23. Diamonds Are Forever
22. Moonraker
21. Live and Let Die
20. the Spy Who Loved Me
19. No Time to Die
18. a View to a Kill
17. the World Is Not Enough
16. the Man with the Golden Gun
15. For Your Eyes Only 
14. Dr. No
13. Thunderball
12. Quantum of Solace
11. GoldenEye
10. Licence to Kill
9. Spectre
8. On Her Majesty's Secret Service
7. Goldfinger
6. Tomorrow Never Dies
5. Living Daylights
4. You Only Live Twice
3. Casino Royale
2. Skyfall
1. From Russia With Love

For a full explanation of the Cinema Syllabus, see this post! 

Part Two of the Cinema Syllabus Blurbs and Opinions! TWO!!!! New favorites in this chunk, which was wildly unexpected!!! 

Movies are rated on the following scale: 
1. Big Nope
2. Dislike It
3. Full of Meh
4. WTF, Mate?
5. Iiiiiinteresting
6. Like It
7. Love It
8. New Favorite 

Cabaret: 5;
This one made it onto the full list before I made the Musical Review list, so it stayed. Besides, the big list needed at least one musical! I ended up watching this and All That Jazz on the same night, which was a weird combo pack. I liked Liza Mineli (who looks so much like Anne Hathaway in this movie??), but I didn’t like the movie itself. But the last 20 minutes kind of saved it in a weird way. I'm not sure I can explain. Very slice-of-life, and to be honest, it’s hard to actually classify it as a musical, since the songs don’t advance the plot—but they do make veeeerryy interesting commentary on what little plot there is and on the sociopolitical landscape of 1930s Berlin. Also the drawn parallels between being a gay man and a Jewish man in said 1930s Berlin...was devastating and very interesting. So I'm glad I watched it, but it's not a new fave. 

Sunset Boulevard: 6;
Huh. What an odd love letter to Hollywood while simultaneously ripping the entire movie industry a new one, viciously and without remorse. I love that it was in black and white. I love the narration and the way it was punctuated by Joe narrating what was happening on screen AS it was happening (down to shit like ‘she turned her face toward me’). It’s an incredible feat of film. And it’s also a horrifying peek into abusive situationships, wow. This is hovering between “interesting” and “like it.” Not sure where it tilts more, but I'll throw it into "like it" for the glamour of the costuming alone. It's a very beautiful movie and that wins it points. 

Blade: 4;
This one was on here as part of El's and my earlier project, Year of the Vampire--we're watching as much vampire media as we can get our eyeballs on this year! And this definitely counts. A weird one, for sure!!! Very dumb, very fun, very insane. I miss when superhero movies didn’t take themselves so seriously. Also, I think they just let the villain add “fucking” to any of his lines he felt like, and it was BRILLIANT, what a prissy little bitch of a character. And Wesley Snipes was so cool. I loved it. But also, very much: WTF, mate??!!!? :D 

Big Fish: 4;
Another weird one. A Tim Burton movie that does not feel like a Tim Burton movie. Like--Tim Burton movies are weird, and this movie was weird, but it wasn't weird in the way one expects Tim Burton movies to be weird. You know? I think it was trying to say interesting things about truth vs story and how we see ourselves and how that’s more important than how we actually are, but it felt a little bit clumsy and stuck on the father/son disconnect without really explaining why the son was so adamant about The Truth. I don’t know. I didn’t dislike it, but I feel like I missed something. Also the casting was questionable: Ewan McGregor would never grow up into Albert Finney, and Billy Crudup does not look like he could possibly be the son of either of them. I'm disappointed, because I put this one on here for me thinking it would be a slam dunk to loving it, but. I just didn't. 

The Philadelphia Story: 7;
“Nothing ever possibly in the least ever happens here!” Ooh, I’m mad I loved this movie. Nothing happens! It’s a whole lot of much ado for it to end up right back where it started! It’s ridiculous! But Katherine Hepburn is a force to be reckoned with and the change in how her character wishes to be seen—and how she just really wishes to be seen—made my heart ache. And I thought it was all set up for Princesses Do Marry Kitchen Boys, one of my very favorite romance tropes, but ALAS. At the last minute! But it's ok...I’d probably pick Cary Grant, too. 

Thelma & Louise: 5;
Lisa and I watched this together and we both agreed the best word for it was Interesting. We're very glad we watched it, but we wouldn't watch it again. We were especially impressed by how much we hated both women at the start of the movie and then loved them by the end—the more they committed to the crime, the more we liked them! I think this movie had tons of interesting things to say about sexism and rape, the violence of men, even if they are “good guys”, and the distrust women have in the justice system. And fascinating commentary on the way women’s agency is taken from them--the main cop spent the whole movie trying to save these two women from themselves, mostly by trying to convince them they either didn't make the decisions they did, or their decisions were somehow meaningless (it wasn't really their fault they killed a guy, he made them do it, they weren't thinking, etc). As a woman--that resonated. So I don’t know that I liked this movie, but it’s definitely a lot to think about. Deeper than it seems. 

Out of Africa: 6;
We watched this movie with Lisa's mom, and got interrupted several times by the dog and making dinner, so I feel like I didn't quite get the full experience of watching this movie that I wanted. So it's at a 6, but if I watch it again, it might end up as a 7. I liked this very much, but I think without interruptions and with subtitles, I could love it. It’s a gorgeous movie; Meryl Streep can do anything. And I loved how much this movie was hers even though Robert Redford was there and had top billing. He was so secondary to her; it was awesome. It was a little bit too slice-of-life for me to fall completely in love with—I wanted just a hint more plot. But since it was a memoir, not a story, it made sense. Just lovely. Would watch again. 

The Thin Man: 8;
A delight. This is the first one of this list I might actually buy a dvd of. I love a crazy mystery, and Nick and Nora’s relationship just made me happy. I love them, and I love how much they love each other. It’s so unusual, especially in an old movie, for the drama to come from outside the main relationship, so that was refreshing and wonderful. Also I love a good parlor-room scene, and this one was fantastic. 10/10, would watch again, many times, even knowing whodunit!  

12 Angry Men: 8;
Holy shit, that’s a good movie. Interesting things to say about justice and truth and the impossibility of being fully impartial. I was fully expecting it to be boring--it's just 12 guys yelling at each other!--but it wasn't. It was tense and intense and I was actually fist-pumping each time someone changed their vote. The slow reveal of information through each conversational boss fight was so cool, such a good way to tell you about the trial and the crime without just...telling you. And so many interesting things happened with camera angles and close-ups, as well as blocking—especially since the whole thing happened in one small room. And I love that the movie is not actually about Guilty vs Not Guilty. Because that's not what the justice system is about. It's about not knowing if someone is guilty. Not knowing fully and irrevocably. It's about doubt--the shadow of a doubt--and watching each man realize that whether or not the kid was actually guilty doesn't matter was... *cheffkiss*. Didn't quite make me want to sit on a jury, but it did make me have feelings about the jury system. What a damn good movie. 

So, I've gotten really tired of people talking about movies and me saying, "Oh, I've never seen that one!" and people going, "what??? how??????" so I've decided to do something about it. That something is what I have dubbed The Cinema Syllabus. 

This is not a definitive critic's choice list, nor is it the most comprehensive list. It's a collation of a little bit of research, some strong recommendations, and everything I could remember people being shocked I hadn't seen. I'm sure there are ones I'm missing, but I had to cut it off somewhere, so I cut it off at 200 (and yes, there is already an Addendum list...). And some things that people would expect to be on here are not simply by dint of me having seen them already--so if you're looking at this and you're like, "HOW is Casablanca not on here!!??"--fret not! I have seen more than my fair share of the American Canon's greatest hits already. But I wanted a list that reflected the pop culture subconscious and the film industry's innovation--movies that are interesting because everyone knows them or because they have something to say about film. Movies that stuff comes from--memes, tropes, unique techniques or vibes that ballooned into movements or defined genres or themes. Movies that I know about but haven't seen, or movies that I don't know about, but I should. 

The other rule I imposed was that the movies had to be from before 2016--anything that has come out in the last decade is on a different list, since we don't really know the staying power or cultural significance of anything newer. I'm sure some people will argue that some things can already be added to the American Canon, but I wanted to stick to older, more established things. Things people are surprised I haven't seen. 

So, the three rules are: 1. Movie must have cultural significance. 2. Only things I have not seen. 3. Nothing from after 2016. 

I went through five different "Top 100 Movies to See Before You Die" lists and collated which movies showed up the most on those. Then I took that list to El, Lisa, my mom, and Ryan. My mom and Ryan are proper movie buffs and can actually speak to what's important in pop culture and film, so their suggestions were filling in different directors or film trends who define cinema. El knows a lot about the zeitgeist of various decades and helped with suggesting more pop culture candidates. And Lisa, god bless her, made sure I added on movies that were maybe not following Rule 1, but were personally important to her, me, and El so we could have a few that were for us.

The resulting 200 movies are a wild mix of a little bit of everything. The oldest movie on here is from 1926. The years with the most movies are 1984 and 1988, tied with nine (1976 and 1990 coming in second with seven each). There are straight-up comedies and serious Oscar winners and more than a few sci-fi shenanigans. I've got good movies and bad movies and great movies and boring movies and movies that everyone agrees are masterpieces but also no one really actually likes. And the hardest part so far has been finding where to watch some of these--you'd be surprised at which ones stream and which ones are just no where to be found. 

All this to say, I've been watching more movies since June than I've watched in the last five years combined and it is GREAT. I am having such a good time, even when I hate the movies. And I've started keeping a log with--I hesitate to say reviews--blurbs? blurbs and opinions. And I want to share those, so I'm going to post them monthly because what is the internet for if not for being wrong about movies out loud? 

I do have a few addendums! El and I are working on the 007 Seminar, which is all the James Bond movies in order. A great project, highly recommend. We've been having a blast, even with the really, really terrible ones (looking at you, Roger Moore...). And I've made myself a Musical Review, a list of movie-musicals or Broadway adaptations I've never seen. And Lisa and I are planning on the Star Trek Symposium, where we'll watch all the feature-length Star Treks in order (and El will probably join us, 'cause she can't resist Trek!). Those will all get their own blurb-and-opinion posts when I've worked through them. 

I'll post the whole list here, in alphabetical order, for record-keeping purposes, and in case anyone's interested in seeing the whole thing. Each title will be linked to the Blurb post it's in; obviously that will be a slow process as I watch. And I'm not watching them in any particular order--mostly I've just been picking whatever sounds interesting on any given day and then hoping I can find it online, heheheh. But if anyone wants to join in, the list is as follows: 

( The Cinema Syllabus Full List )

things you still need to do even though your friend is alone in a hospital, dying: 

eat. 
they are no longer the shape of themself 
they have always been lanky but now they are thin
shrunken shriveled starved
skin (thin and papery like an old person they will never get to be)
and bones (you should never get to see)
there is not enough of them left 
but they are still, always themself, enough. 

sleep. 
they are no longer the shape of themself
they have always been tired but now they are empty
flagging fatigued finished 
run (they sat up on their own for the last time today)
ragged (you are watching them fade away)
there is not enough of them left
but they are still, always themself, enough. 

breathe. 
they are no longer the shape of themself
they have always been quiet, but now they are gone
speechless soundless silent 
between one breath (don't think about how few of those we get)
and the next (and the next and the next and the next and the--)
there is not enough of them left
but they are still, always themself, enough. 

live. 
they are no longer the shape of themself
they have always been brave, but they are not scared
fearful frightened afraid 
I am 
but
I am also alive
and I remember them and miss them and love them and keep them here in my heart
and maybe
that's enough. 

Way back in 2020, I decided that I was going to watch every Disney animated theatrical release in order of release date. Disney+ was new and shiny and I was feeling depressed, overwhelmed, and in desperate need of comfort, so I thought, hey! Disney movies! the obvious choice of comfort food, but with a little spice thrown in--all of them, regardless of quality, just to see how it goes. I got a little more than halfway through, and then Lisa was like, "Wait, I want to watch these with you!" and I was like, "heck yeah!" and then......we...never watched them. Got distracted by other things. Which was fine! But I've had this Unfinished Project Itch since then, so this summer I sat down and decided to start over and actually finish this time.

And as of yesterday, I have! 57 movies, from Snow White to Wish, from 1937 to 2023. Some were amazing, some were truly terrible, some were bad but I love them anyway. It was absolutely fascinating to see the progression of animation techniques (Disney has been great at water since day 1; I miss 2D; their 3D facial proportions need help) and the deep ups and downs of the story writing. I was surprised by which old faves held up to the test of time and nostalgia and which ones...didn't, and I felt vindicated about several of the movies I have historically disliked. It was great.

Here are my definitive rankings, from personal favorite to personal least favorite. I did this just for me, so if you don't agree, you can make your own list.

S-Tier: Favorites

• Tangled -- What, like it’s MY fault that they built Flynn specifically for me? It’s been 14 years and I still get goosebumps from this movie. I only wish they had proportioned Rapunzel’s face correctly.
• Sleeping Beauty -- The art is unique and stylized and just absolutely beautiful, Maleficent is the most dramatic bitch and I adore her, and Phillip is, objectively, the best prince. And Aurora still gives me unrealistic hair goals.
• Pocahontas -- The backgrounds are gorgeous; the water, mist, and smoke animation is unearthly amazing; and I am such a damn sucker for a forbidden romance. But also like hooo boy can you be more problematic? yikes.
• Treasure Planet -- I love everything about this movie except the stupid robot.
• Mulan -- Everything about this movie is so good, the music, the character designs, the voice acting—listen, Eddie Murphy was kind of an inspired casting decision—the whole everything in the Imperial City. Just a banger of a movie.
• Raya and the Last Dragon -- I don’t know why this movie resonates with me so much, but it does. I just love it. It’s beautiful, Awkwafina is an inspired casting choice, and I know it’s broken but I still love it.
• Aladdin -- Great characters, beautiful animation, wonderful music, magic carpet, the unparalleled Robin Williams… what’s not to love?
• Moana -- This movie is just so beautiful and the music is great and the voice acting is amazing and one day I will make it through without crying, but today is not that day.
• Robin Hood -- Always, always one of my favorites. Great character designs, really fun sequences—episodic but not completely vignette-y—and an actually decent Robin Hood adaptation, too. Not enough Merry Men, though.
• Lion King -- This has lost some luster for me (I may have seen it too many times, also dead dad), but is still beloved. Particularly, I love the facial animations, the music, and Jeremy Irons.
• Big Hero 6 -- A movie that just feels special. I love everything about it (except Fred).
• Zootopia -- The best children’s movie about prejudice ever, also I love a hot fox con man, that is not my fault.

A-Tier: Yes, Thanks!

• Beauty and the Beast -- Huge nostalgia for this one both because it is Mom’s favorite and because of the musical. I recognize the many, many problems, but I still just love it.
• Peter Pan -- I know it is offensive, but, god, I love this story. Tink is great, Peter is such a little shit, and I am such a sucker for both of the duels.
• Emperor’s New Groove -- My only complaint is that I can never see this movie for the first time again, because it is still one of the funniest things ever but it was screamingly funny the first time.
• 101 Dalmatians -- Extremely charming opening credits, sketchy art that feels very casual and fun, and a wonderfully coherent story line. Love Sgt Tibs and the Colonel.
• Aristocats -- Negative points for racism and unfinished-looking art; bonus points for cute kitties (minus Marie), both parts with Edgar and the dogs, Eva Gabor, and me still just loving this dumb movie.
• Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh -- Utterly charming, clever playing around with animation and the book motif, absolutely classic and comforting. Perfect whimsy. 
• Great Mouse Detective -- Charming and fun, by far my favorite take on Holmes and Watson, although I do have several questions about mouse society. Rattigan remains one of my favorite Disney villains, and the whole fight in Big Ben is one of my favorite sequences.
• Cinderella -- I think I will always love this movie, especially the romance of it. More mice content than I recall, but I love the mice, so I’m not mad about it.  

B-Tier: Solid

• Wreck-It-Ralph -- Solid, fun, so colorful and sweet, and they clearly had fun making all the different video game references and animations. A delight.
• Princess and the Frog -- I adore Tiana but her movie is a mess with a very confused message about working hard for your dreams. Naveen’s voice actor can stay forever.
• Bolt -- Okay, that was just adorable. Loses points for John Travolta, idk what to say. Gets lots of points for Mittens.
• Wish -- Just plain Odd. Veery meta, the songs aren’t particularly catchy or singable, and they got so caught up in getting their easter eggs in that they forgot to make a solid story. But I love Star so much, so points for him.
• Encanto -- I think I bounce off of this movie for the same reasons so many people love it and relate to it. I like Mirabel, but I find it really horrible to watch everyone be mean to her for an hour and a half.
• Brother Bear -- My desire to hug bears is not helped by this movie, which is a solid, decent offering with questionable musical choices. Kenai is obnoxious. Love everyone else.
• Lilo and Stitch -- Honestly, this movie is spectacular and should probably go higher on this list, but every time I watch it, I just Like it, I don’t Love it, so here it is.
• Fantasia -- a nostalgia-fave, my favorite part is still the Greco-Roman bit and I have not been missing anything by skipping Night on Bald Mountain for the last 25 years.

C-Tier: Full of Meh

• Frozen -- [Loosely] Inspired by [an overheard, third-hand retelling of] the Snow Queen [in a crowded room]. It’s perfectly Fine until Olaf shows up, and then everything, including the plot, derails. I still have big Sister feels about it, though.
• Fantasia 2000 -- Firebird makes the rest of that worth it.
• Hunchback of Notre Dame -- Points for Esmerelda in general, but I just can’t with the tonal shifts. The gargoyles don’t belong in this movie for so many reasons.
• Little Mermaid -- points for being the first Menken/Ashman team up, though I remain robbed of the rest of Fathoms Below. I’d like this movie more if Scuttle were not in it. A lot of the faces are just slightly off? Ursula slays.
• Atlantis -- A little too white-savior-y for me, but I do love all the side-characters a lot.
• Hercules -- Almost painfully stylized art, everyone is kind of ugly, and while I’m not mad they cleaned up mythology for kids, I’m a little miffed that it’s…so, so wrong. BUT! Meg. What can I say? I’m gay.
• Ralph Breaks the Internet -- Extremely funny and so very meta, but a little cringe in places because it was maybe too meta? Idk. Slaughter Race is amazing and I want to play it.
• Jungle Book -- I have a lot of nostalgia for this one, and I like most of the songs, but yeah it needs a plot. To be fair, the book doesn’t have a plot, either.
• Lady and the Tramp -- a fun romp.
• Frozen 2 -- Okay, this movie is Not Good, but 1. I have big Sister feelings, and 2. the water animation is really, really pretty.
• Oliver & Company -- The definition of Meh. Why are stories about New York always Like That? It’s obnoxious. But I am a sucker for an adorable kitty.
• Strange World -- It definitely feels like they made this movie just to show off their jelly physics and electricity effects and everything else was very secondary to the “Stunning Visuals.”

D-Tier: Nah, Thanks

• Tarzan -- Eh, it’s just…fine? It’s fine. Points for there being enough time passing that the love story makes sense, negative points for everything about Clayton and uh… Phil Collins. Why.
• Sword in the Stone -- It’s not bad, it’s just… not good? Pacing is questionable, transitions are non-existent, and it’s not really very much about Arthur, is it? Points because I love Merlin.
• The Rescuers -- I have so many questions about mouse society, the rules of Disney animals, and who thought this movie was for children. Also, now I’m sad.
• Rescuers Down Under -- I have SO MANY QUESTIONS, but the theme music is a banger.
• Fox and the Hound -- I’m not opposed to a sad movie, but like damn I feel bad for the old lady. What the fuck. And boy do I not care about the birds and the caterpillar. At least Disney seems to have taken an anti-trophy hunting stance, at the very least.
• Bambi -- bonus points for having absolutely gorgeous environments and backgrounds. negative points for nothing happening and bad transitions.
• Meet the Robinsons -- Kind of insane, and definitely a strange departure towards Dreamworks’ territory, but the ending was very sweet so. Points for that.
• Winnie the Pooh -- It’s not just that the art is bad and the songs are bad and the story is bad, it’s that they did all that and made everyone incredibly, offensively stupid. And I know why the voices are wrong, but ughhh the voices are wrong.

F-Tier: Big Nope!

• Ichabod and Mr Toad -- more fun than I ever expected, but why they tried to shoehorn these two stories together is a mystery to me.
• Snow White -- so much more dwarf content than I remember, and the pacing is startlingly bad.
• Alice in Wonderland -- things happen to Alice, but she doesn’t get to do much. This movie has never made much sense, and I know that’s the point, but. Not my jam.
• Black Cauldron -- Weird, dark, too much going on for there to be any real emotion or heart, and the plot is choppy and full of holes. Deeply not my jam.
• Three Caballeros -- the music is fun, Donald Duck is obnoxious, it all goes downhill after Brazil.
• Dumbo -- wildly more offensive than I remember, but just as disturbing as I remember.
• Home on the Range -- Inexplicably, Cuba Gooding Jr and Judi Dench have been in a movie together. Isn’t that insane? That’s insane.
• Chicken Little -- No but what the actual fuck was that? Why baseball? WHY ALIENS? WHAT?
• Pinocchio -- big huge Nope from me; didn’t like it as a kid, still don’t like it now. It’s weirdly scary and boring at the same time.

if twitter is dead then you get my tweet-sized personal breakdowns
the status updates no one cares about
but I have to post somewhere because I need to get them
out of my head
off of my tongue
out of my heart
the little yells into the void that don't mean anything
only everything
but just to me
the tiny complaints I have to make
before I suck it up and do the thing
whatever thing (adulting things)
the little posts that used to fit in 280 characters
that never needed to be public
but that we all got used to seeing in public
suffering in public
in community
that little shout that echoed back to tell us we are not alone

Ok, so the good news is that I did not have to walk on Lisa's fragile eggshells for the whole rest of the trip. That second day was absolutely miserable, since it turns out it was not heat exhaustion but a quick norovirus coming for a visit. We collectively threw up three times (guess who got to go twice) and were shaking like leaves for the whole afternoon, but when a very late morning rolled around, we both felt much better. Gotta love a 24-hour stomach bug. Sigh.

But, after that, honestly, the trip was almost perfect. Mexico is beautiful and May was the perfect time of year to be there. I love spring, but it was already summer that far south, and I was blossoming. God, I love sea level. My lungs work at sea level. It's so nice to not have to worry about breathing. And my hair sure does love the humidity. Stepped back out into Colordao dryness was a let down. And Lisa was basically crowing with happiness. Opposite climate lovers, here in Apartment Skyhold. Alas. But really, it is good to be back. The cat is happy, and that's the real win here. (lol)

I am deeply glad to be back to normal routine. As much as I love my sister, having her visit right before we left for vacation was kind of hellish in that I had two full weeks of Disruptions. I'm a hobbit--a creature of habit. Always have been. And my heart has been aching for normalcy and comfort zone and routine for a few days now. Today was kind of weird, too, but tomorrow, things should go back to normal. And I am very excited.

I want to take my time getting up, not have to worry about if I'll be too late for breakfast. I want to read my morning newsfeeds and messages without getting out of bed. I want to cherish the sound of Lisa working in the next room, her voice all professional and competent. I want to eat a sandwich. I want to spend my afternoon however I need to, and hang out with Lisa in the evening. I want to watch dumb tv with her while we eat dinner and read together afterward with the cat sitting on me. I want to log in and do some quests with K before she goes to bed. I want my quiet alone time at night, after Lisa's gone to bed and Vela is sitting on her, and I can just hang out in my room with the lights on low and work on projects, make art, dick around on my phone if I want. I want to let El know my wordle score and accidentally fall into a two hour conversation with her about clones. I want to go to game and eat noodles and hang out in space for a few hours. I want to go to bed and not have to worry about tomorrow being different. I am perfectly happy with all my days being the same.

Pastoral? sure. Boring? definitely. But here's a thing I've discovered over the last two weeks: I like my very boring life. Very much. And I'd be content with 90% of my days shaking out to be much the same. Throw in the occasional live theatre performance, museum trip, or board game night, a monthly foray into any bookstore, and weekly dice rolls, and I'm good. Give me all the time in the night to work on art of some kind, afternoons and evenings with my girls, and I'm good. I don't want to do anything else.

And if that makes me boring, I'm not sure I care. I crave the ease of routine, the comfort of repetition, the security of stability. Vacations are nice! But give me a sweet, normal day any time, and I'm here for it.

Of course, I say all this knowing that I'm going to have to start job hunting in earnest now that I'm back from vacation. As much as I want to slip into a bohemian arts-and-crafts stupor and play video games for three weeks straight, the lack of reliable income is starting to gnaw at my stomach. So, I'm going to cherish these last few weeks of blissful routine, of comforting normalcy, before normal changes. Before I have to add new steps to the routine. That's a whole different gnaw in my stomach I need to brace for, but I'm going to do my best to just settle into my comfort zone for as long as I can. As long as I'm allowed. And I'm trying to be ok with that being enough.

Don't get me wrong, I am deeply grateful to my sister for being willing and able to take the bus from the train station in D up to the transit center here. It means I have to be awake enough to drive at 8.30 instead of 5.30. I'll take it. And I will be eternally grateful to her. But I still have to be awake at 8.30. (Arguably, I have to be awake at 7, which is when the train arrives and I will have to be at least conscious of text updates from K.) And that there is Prime Sleeping Hours.

And there comes a point in any night like this, every night when I have to be awake in the morning, where I look at the clock and count on my fingers how many hours of sleep are Possible at this juncture, minus the time it will take me to actually fall asleep, and I stare at the clock and just kind of go, "fuck it." 

...

I survived the entirety of high school on five or less hour of sleep.

Bear in mind, of course, that teenagers are supposed to get the most sleep of all the age groups other than literal babies because growing and developing, blah, blah, blah, and my body spent four years protesting loudly about the fact that it wanted ten hours of sleep and was only getting a regular four or five. And I fully own the fact that I did not handle it well. I was a cranky, tired bitch in the mornings and no one liked me before third period. I didn't like me before third period. But orchestra was at 7, which meant I had to leave to drive to school by 6:20, which meant I had to be awake by 5:30. And rehearsal (or volleyball, or tech, or WYSE, or what-the-fuck-ever I stretched myself too thin for so that I could stay at school longer) didn't let out until either 5 or 6. Which meant I didn't eat dinner until 7, and then still had to do all that goddamned AP homework. My goal was to be in bed by 11. I was lucky if I got to sleep by midnight. And god forbid I have to squeeze a shower in there somewhere. Or laundry or dishes or any other chores.

In short, I was an absolute mess for all of high school. But the only time a teacher took me aside for a Serious Chat, it was the orchestra director who told me that the other girls had complained that I was mean to them in the mornings. To which I looked at him and just laughed.

"Yeah, I suck in the mornings," I said, "but there is literally nothing I can do about it."
"To put it bluntly, the flute section hates you."
"Well, if they'd shut up and play when you tell them to, I'd be way less inclined to glare at them. I just want to play music. They just want to talk. If they don't want to be here, they can leave."
"You know, if you don't want to be here, you can also leave."

Listen, I was very good friends with my music teacher. He wasn't perfect, and good lord did he play favorites, but he was gentle and kind and genuinely cared about his students and the music he got to lead us through. So even though a lot of my childhood memories are very hazy and fogged up with sleep deprivation, I clearly, clearly remember the time that he told me that if I couldn't get my shit together and sleep more, I would have to quit orchestra. "You need to sleep later, and I can't reschedule the whole orchestra for you. Or you need to be nicer."

That is the one and only time anyone in my entire life has told me to be nicer.

Everyone is a little bit of an asshole, yeah, but I've always managed to keep my assholery in check. Private. On the inside. So everyone thinks I'm infinitely nicer and sweeter than I actually am. And--I am nice and sweet. I would much rather be kind to people than anything else. It's so much easier for me to be kind. But there is a little rotten corner of me that's a cranky, whiny bitch. I manage to keep her hidden and quiet most of the time, but the more tired I am, the less energy I have to contain her. And I am always deeply. Deeply. tired in the mornings.

So yeah, the choir loved me, because that was, like, sixth period, but most of the girls in the orchestra hated my guts, and I do not blame them.

...

I really don't know where I'm going with this. I think it's just Story Time because I won't fall asleep until 5. To be fair, not all blog posts need to have a destination. They can, in fact, just be Story Time.

...

I got better at containing my inner bitch in college. I was mega-depressed--dangerously so--but I had to keep doing adult things, like go to class and write papers and eat food. I mostly had to because other people made me--my sister, my roommate, my best friend. My favorite two professors. Despite how godawful I felt all of the time, despite how tired and drained I was, despite how very much I did not want to be There Anymore, a larger, more aggressive part of me didn't want to let any of those people down. I didn't want to disappoint them. And I didn't want anyone to say that I couldn't hack it. So I dragged my ass around campus like a stoned zombie, but I did it. And every time I had to interact with other humans, what little dignity still resided in a dusty corner of my brain screamed at me that the other humans couldn't KNOW I was a stoned zombie. they had to think I was also a human being!!

So I got really good at pretending.

Pretending I wasn't depressed, pretending I wasn't cranky, pretending I wasn't tired, pretending I wasn't that little bit of a bitch.

There's all this...discourse online, all these posts, about how if you tell yourself something enough times, you start to change your thought patterns and they become true. Fake it 'til you make it, but an actual mindfulness practice for mental illness management. If you make fewer "jokes" about wanting to die, you are less likely to want to die. If you say nice things about yourself, you are more likely to have higher self-esteem. These are proven things that happen, you can rewire your brain with enough effort. And, often, anti-depressants and therapy.

That never happened to me. Probably because I didn't have the anti-depressants or the therapy. I didn't have the conjunction of aids and modern medicine, I just had the bullshit mindfulness, faking it until I made it, but one out of three ain't good. It ain't bad, but it ain't good. So I was pretending and pretending as hard as I could, I was masking and acting 100%, all out, every time I was with other people. Other people included my roommate. Which meant I was On Stage pretty much constantly, and the only time I got to drop my mask was a.) in the shower, b.) walking alone around campus, and c.) at night after my roommate went to sleep but before I did.

So I stayed up way too late because I treasured that extremely precious time when I didn't have to be acting. And I wanted to extend it as long as possible. To the detriment of my sleep. Which, of course, fed into the depression and the exhaustion. So the less sleep I got, the harder I had to act, and the more I didn't sleep because I was trying to squeeze in time that I didn't have to act, which meant I was sleeping less, which meant---

It was a really bad cycle. An ouroboros of awful. I was constantly eating my own tail and smiling around the mouthfuls with my teeth clamped shut so no one would notice.

But! I did get really good at acting like nothing was wrong. (This has historically been counted as The Only Positive Side Effect of College, but more recent research is emerging to prove it is: Unhealthy.) (Listen, when I say I Did College Wrong, this is what I'm talking about. I mean, I'm also talking about studying the wrong things and going to the wrong school, but mostly this.) 

And because I was so good at acting like nothing was wrong, all-nighters became the default.

And my brain hated me. And it's really only in the last few years (hi, anti-depressants!) that I've started making a very conscious effort to pretend less. It feels a lot like ripping off my own scalp with my broken fingernails or carving out my own innards with a rusty spoon, but I'm doing it. I really, really am trying. And I do think I'm getting better at it. It helps that I've been feeling less Terrible and therefore have less to pretend about. (again, hi, anti-depressants! I love you!)

But every once in a while, I find myself staring down the barrel of an all-nighter (sometimes on accident, sometimes on purpose. Sometimes because it's just easier to Not Sleep than it is to try to get two broken hours before my alarm rips though my consciousness.) and I remember that there's a little bitch inside me that I can't lose control of. And I pull the mask back on and get into character and I get up on stage and I stand there, under the lights, trying to be nicer, trying not to complain, trying to be my normal, afternoon, enough-sleep self, and I just... regress to college and slip into it easy as breathing.

...

Lisa and Katie are both really bad at all-nighters, or even just less sleep than they normally get. They get hella cranky, anxious about everything, and lose the ability to function at their normal capacity. They are tired and everyone knows it. They can't get anything done. Work is a chore. They are unproductive. They leave the chores for tomorrow.

You know, the sort of things that happen to normal people who don't get enough sleep.

Meanwhile, even if I've only gotten an hour (or none), I'm still trying my best to be my peppy, normal, productive self. I might be quieter or say "I'm tired" more out loud than I normally do, but I generally succeed in pretending that nothing is wrong. I've had a lot of practice. I'm very good at it. Lisa has commented that she can only tell I haven't gotten enough sleep because I look a little droopier. She told me once that she's impressed that I can still function on so little sleep, when she gets leveled like a building by anything less than her solid, glorious eight hours.

I don't think it's impressive. I think it's sad.

The thing is that no one should have to function like normal when they haven't gotten enough sleep. That shouldn't be a requirement! No one should be out here trying to go through their normal high-energy day when they've only had three hours of sleep! There should be exceptions, there should be protocols in place, we should have built in fucking nap time like the Spanish for anyone who crashes after lunch. But capitalism. We have to be productive all the time. We can't have a single day where we're a stoned zombie. We have to be a human being every day.

And I think it's really depressing that I've learned how to do that.

I faked it until I made it, I guess, but I think I learned the wrong lesson. I faked the wrong thing. And unlearning it all is a bitch.

...

Anyway, all this to say that I have to be awake in three hours and driving in four(ish), and I'm not even worried. I know that I will be fine. I will be completely normal. I will yawn a few more times and look a little droopier, but I'll be totally, 100% fine. On less than three hours of sleep.

No one should have to do that. No one should have learned that skill--that's not a skill, that's a shittyass coping mechanism that is not healthy.

But here I am.

There is a certain inexplicable quality to the darkness
when you are lying awake
missing someone. 

It hungers. 

just a little bit 
just enough for you to notice
that something is not quite right
that you are not quite right
that the world is not quite right
that your world is not quite right
without someone in it 

The darkness doesn’t stare at you when you stare at it
it doesn’t care enough and that’s ok
it is much bigger than you are 

Grief doesn’t look you in the eye either
It is much bigger than you are
it doesn’t care enough that you care too much
and that’s ok

it hurts to notice when the someone you are missing
is someone who no longer exists
she changed when you weren’t looking
when you weren’t there
when you left her behind
she is different now and you miss her
and you miss her
and you miss who she used to be
and you worry
that you will never stop missing her
and that in missing her
you will miss—her. As she is now. 

she asks you if this is how you feel all the time and your heart breaks
because you never lie to her
and now she knows what you feel
and you can’t take it away from her
you can’t take it away for her
you can’t take it for her even though you know what to do with it
And she does not
she asks you how you live like this
she says she’s sorry
she says she’s sorry she didn’t understand
and your heart breaks because
you never wanted her to understand

you never wanted her to have to understand

the darkness sits with you
you sit in the darkness
and it is as vast as your grief
and as small.

The darkness has been your friend for so long
you sometimes forget to miss the sun
but
she misses the sun
and you miss it for her
and you miss her
and you miss what the light looked like on her face
and you missed the moment she stepped into shadow
and she’s the one who says she’s sorry. 

no. 

You take the pills for sleeping. 
you stare at the darkness
and carve out the shape of your grief in the shadows
and it has the same profile as her face
and you are tired
so tired
so tired of missing. 
you miss the moon. 
you miss when you didn’t feel like this
you miss when she didn’t feel like this
you miss it for her
you miss her
and you’re just supposed to sleep. 

the pills are just. 
supposed to make you sleep. 
but they can’t make you stop missing her
and you can’t sleep until then. 
 

 Stealing El's idea and doing a one-a-month spread for 2023, now that I'm in a slightly better headspace (I was right--I did feel better after sleeping, it just wasn't last night's sleeping, it was a weird nap at 8pm tonight. Idk, man, I just live here). I'm still feeling very low and depressed, but I've had some good chats with K and Lisa and I allowed myself some time to wallow in my misery. And I got up out of bed and Did a Thing (it was play video games, but it counts) and that helped. Doing Something always helps. I think a lot of this funk is flu-related--I'm really struggling with being sick, especially with being sick this week, and everything about it is just kicking my ass and keeping me down. New Year's is usually a very quiet, calm day for me, where I get to sort of set the stage for the year and think about what I want out of the upcoming months, but this year all of that good juju got absolutely swallowed and I was left with. Well. You read last night's post.

I'm resolved to leave my apartment tomorrow, even if it's just to go check the mail and take the trash out, and honestly, I think that will help immensely. Being cooped up and ill for a week has really just worn me to withering.

I've also reminded myself that nothing is actually constrained by the seasons, and I can, in fact, listen to the Nutcracker whenever I want to, so I'm doing that while I'm typing and that's making me feel so much better. I love so many things about this music.

I pulled my heart/mind/body for January first and that was a laugh (ok, 8 of swords, I see you, now leave me alone), but I wanted to steal El's spread so I did. And I'm feeling....some kind of way about it.



(I could have picked a better background to lay those cards against, huh?) 

0. Middle card, the Focus: Ace of Pentacles. First off, I simply ADORE this card, it is one of my absolute favorites in this deck El made me, and I feel a huge sense of calm and relief every time I turn it over (which is not often). I do pull pentacles with a baffling regularity, though, and it seems appropriate that I start with the Ace. I know pentacles is all about material and financial, technically, but I learned a long time ago that when I pull them, they mean more than that. So Abundance and Security as a theme for 2023? Sure, I look forward to financial security, but I also want to pull that focus in all the other directions, too. Security in health, wealth, creativity? God, I can only hope so.

1. January: Nine of Swords: Also appropriate, since I pull swords more than any other suit except the majors (all my cards like to yell at me in majors), but like. Oof. The nine? thanks. I like that El found me a card labeled Dedication. It feels deeply optimistic compared to my usual reading of the card which is, "ah, yes, the Nightmare Card." To be fair, I do think I'm going to be spending a lot of January recovering from The Horrors (ie: 2022), so as soon as I flipped it, I was like "Lol yeah, depression seems correct." But the thing about my depression is that I am deeply, deeply dedicated to taking it gently by the hand and reminding it that it's not the boss of me anymore. I've made a lot of progress in fighting my depression over these last few years, and so there is something comforting about this card turning up and saying, "I know you are dedicated to this fight. Keep going." 

2. February: the Hanged Man: Not one of the majors who usually yells at me, but hey bro. New perspectives. Surrender and acceptance. Considering that February is going to hit the One Year Without Dad marker, yeah, this feels prophetic.

3. March: Five of Pentacles: Just sort of quietly flicking my eyes between this one and my little mouse friend repeatedly, trying to figure out why the opposites are both here in this spread. I am not a fan of this card. I have Endured enough.

4. April: Two of Pentacles: See what I mean when I say I pull a disproportionate number of pentacles? It's weird. I like the two though. Juggling and flexibility are two things that I have trained myself to be good at over time. While I do wish I could maybe take a break from multitasking, it's nice to know that spring will be manageable. 

5. May: Temperance: also not a major that usually yells at me. I think I've drawn her n-once in the last two years? She knows I'm bad at self-restraint and she stays away from me. This is one of my absolute favorite card designs I have in this deck, though, so. There's that.

6. June: Ace of Swords: a good friend of mine, this card. Clarity. This card always seems to show up exactly when I need it to, so here's hoping that holds true.

(I'm realizing that this Nutcracker I have in my itunes is like. a brass-focused orchestra, so like. it's a little weird. don't really like it. should have just listened to the usual one on youtube I've got bookmarked. alas.).

7. July: The Fool: There she is! My oldest, deepest friend, the Fool! New beginnings! I love her! July is a long way off, but I'll be looking forward to her.

8. August: the Queen of Cups: Right so. Cups. I never pull cups. My emotions are usually loud enough on their own that they don't need the cards to talk to me. But the Queen of Imagination is my favorite Queen in the deck (not the one I am--oh dear god, I have infinitely too much Queen of Pentacles in me, it's a problem), so I always like to see her turn up. She means a lot to me.

9. September: Ten of Wands: You know, I'm shocked there aren't more wands in this pull. But the Ten sort of...if I had to have one wands, why'd it have to be this one? 

10. October: Four of Wands: ...Oh wait, there is another wand, and hey look, it's the best one there is! Celebration! I'm a little glad it's slotted in after the overwhelming responsibility...

11. November: The Tower: hahahahahahahahaha. yeah. Listen, I always try really hard not to see the Tower as a negative. Upheaval and disruption can sometimes be good--change can be good. Sometimes, you have to break so that you can mend. But after a year full of Towers and looking ahead and knowing there are several possible Towers in my future, I can't help seeing Catastrophe and wishing it was in any other month. Not my birthday, universe. Please? Sometimes I think I should take this card out of my deck entirely, because every time I turn it over, I just get: Dread. but there's a sick little part of me that would rather know. Forewarned, forearmed and all that.

12. December: Strength: one of the majors who yells at me a lot. If she has to be here, I'm glad she's at the end. Courage and resolve to see me through the last.

Five majors and mostly pentacles...seems usual. I'm surprised there aren't more court cards, honestly? I seem to usually get court cards when I do big overviews like this. But still... half the year is yelling at me and I'm not sure I like what it's yelling.

I know that 2023 is going to be hard. As evidenced by my breakdown last night as the clock ticked over, there's a lot going on. There is the possibility of great, deep sorrow and it's hard to see any slight chance of joy around that, but I'm squinting into the train light and trying to see the sun. I'm trying. It's a little funny to see my security mouse out there surrounded by all these generally negative or at least not particularly optimistic cards. I'm going to hold on to him for dear life.