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stardustbunnieswhen you are lying awake
missing someone.
It hungers.
just a little bit
just enough for you to notice
that something is not quite right
that you are not quite right
that the world is not quite right
that your world is not quite right
without someone in it
it doesn’t care enough and that’s ok
it is much bigger than you are
Grief doesn’t look you in the eye either
It is much bigger than you are
it doesn’t care enough that you care too much
and that’s ok
it hurts to notice when the someone you are missing
is someone who no longer exists
she changed when you weren’t looking
when you weren’t there
when you left her behind
she is different now and you miss her
and you miss her
and you miss who she used to be
and you worry
that you will never stop missing her
and that in missing her
you will miss—her. As she is now.
she asks you if this is how you feel all the time and your heart breaks
because you never lie to her
and now she knows what you feel
and you can’t take it away from her
you can’t take it away for her
you can’t take it for her even though you know what to do with it
And she does not
she asks you how you live like this
she says she’s sorry
she says she’s sorry she didn’t understand
and your heart breaks because
you never wanted her to understand
you never wanted her to have to understand
the darkness sits with you
you sit in the darkness
and it is as vast as your grief
and as small.
The darkness has been your friend for so long
you sometimes forget to miss the sun
but
she misses the sun
and you miss it for her
and you miss her
and you miss what the light looked like on her face
and you missed the moment she stepped into shadow
and she’s the one who says she’s sorry.
no.
You take the pills for sleeping.
you stare at the darkness
and carve out the shape of your grief in the shadows
and it has the same profile as her face
and you are tired
so tired
so tired of missing.
you miss the moon.
you miss when you didn’t feel like this
you miss when she didn’t feel like this
you miss it for her
you miss her
and you’re just supposed to sleep.
the pills are just.
supposed to make you sleep.
but they can’t make you stop missing her
and you can’t sleep until then.
