stardustbunnies | Entries tagged with tarot

Somehow it is already autumn, which is just mean, at this point. But that's ok.

So, fun facts, my decks are back to shouting at me with majors and I feel very called out, so thanks!! Pretty art nouveau deck that I bought for the gorgeous art, soft colors, and autumnal vibes!!!! Thanks!!!!!!!! I'm listening! I promise!

1. Reflection: Events currently influencing me the most - the Moon

I flipped this over and let out this noise that might have been laughter but might have also been the start of a crying jag. Yes: Anxiety has been influencing me the most. My anxiety, other people's anxiety. I am uncertain about a lot of everything right now. I feel very frozen right now, with a lot of indecision and fear holding me in place. A lot of anxiety about a lot of different things. (At least she's pretty.)

2. Pause: Where I can harvest comfort - Four of Pentacles

What a strange place for this card to turn up. This is the money card. I mean, a lot of Coin cards are money cards, but the Four has always felt like The Money Card to me. And yes, I do draw comfort from financial security. Maybe this is telling me to trust that instinct, to let some of my financial anxiety go? I know I'm more financially secure than I feel (I had a whole therapy session (with homework!!) about how I am more financially secure than I feel), so maybe this is a reminder of that?

3. Balance: How I can harvest balance & wellness - the Star

My favorite card in any deck. I've been struggling with hope recently. She wasn't actually the card that was next to be pulled in my deck; she fell out of the middle somewhere and just felt right. So here she is. I'm not sure how to listen to her right now, or how to find balance in hope. Nothing feels very hopeful right now. Hm.

4.Blessings: Something to be thankful for - Five of Swords

Ok, being thankful for conflict and discord seems very counterintuitive. I'm really not sure what to make of this or how to read it. (El, I welcome your thoughts.)

5. Community: Relationship that needs tending - the Wheel

What does it look like, to have a relationship with Change that needs tending? I mean, I suppose I'm afraid of change, in my core. I'm a creature of habit and routine. When things mess up my routine, I get anxious and weird. But I do acknowledge that sometimes you need a change more than anything. Maybe I need to be more comfortable with that. Accept it with more grace? Ugh, I don't want to. I think I know what this is about (Pl) and I don't want to. I want to be whiny and depressed about it, I want to be sad about it, and I really don't want it to change. I don't want the change. Ah. I see. Okay. Yes, I suppose that does need some tending.

6. Sensitivity: Where to harvest magic - the Hanged Man

Seriously, the majors are loud in this spread. And they're all next to each other. You'd think I hadn't shuffled, but I shuffled for a solid ten minutes before I felt brave enough to start pulling. Anyway--there is magic in new perspectives. And yes, there are a fair few things I could use some new perspectives on. Some things that, perhaps, I need to accept are changing, even if I don't want them to. It's hard to see magic in that, but... maybe I can find some.

7.Transition: Where I will see change this season - the Sun

(I admit, the diagonal here for Sun, Moon, Star is DEEPLY satisfying.) Honestly, I welcome a change to my energy and my confidence. I've been feeling so depressed lately, and so tired. Turning the Sun over always makes me smile--here's hoping she can bring me a few more smiles as the season runs on.

8. Mastery: Something I should focus on this season - Six of Swords

Passage and moving forward? Yeah. That feels real.

9. Abundance: Where I will prosper this season - King of Wands

Ironic, since I definitely don't have a clear vision of where I want to go, and I have no confidence that I am able to lead people there. Not sure what to make of this guy.

Telling anyone about how I read tarot is a little bit like explaining to a frog how to breathe with lungs. It just...doesn't really work because I am incapable of putting words together to make it understandable to someone else. It's like trying to write a paper about poetry or describe why a Bernini statue makes me feel things. It's all about vibes, and they are inexplicable vibes.

Lisa has asked me if I use the cards for "actual divination"-- "Is it like...they tell you what's going to happen? Doesn't that get self-fulfilling?"
To which, I answered, "No, it's more about vibes to focus on." And couldn't really go deeper than that.

To me, the cards aren't telling me, "hey, here's the Ace of Swords, you will be struck by a sudden breakthrough in the coming month, keep at eye out for that!" It's more that they are... poking me in the right direction? Like a little guidepost saying, "ok, here's the Ace of Swords, if you want to focus on clarity this month, that might be a great place to start." Or, "here's the Tower; that doesn't necessarily mean there WILL be a disaster, but like...take a sec to think about what could be disastrous and what to do about it." They're not warnings or prophecies, they are nudges in directions that might help me better use my time. They help me take chaos brain and quiet it down a little. Give me something to focus on. But it's not always exactly what the card "means", sometimes, it's just... the vibe.

Like I said, explaining it is hard. It's a art form, and I'm still practicing it.

I love talking to El about tarot, though. She's got a ton more experience than I do, and has been pulling regularly a lot longer, so she's got her vibes down. And I think she's much better at interpreting what cards mean in context--I tend to focus on each one individually and pluck at their separate meanings like I'm tuning a lute. El's done with tuning; she just plays, and so she gets the whole song. Possibly this metaphor has gotten away from me, but whatever.

What I'm saying is that I love to poke at my initial vibes and gut feelings and then I like to send my spreads to El and hear what she thinks, because it's always helpful, even if I don't agree with it or it goes counter to my vibes. (She made me feel infinitely better about my January spread with one sentence.)

All that to say: hey El, when you read this, please feel free to weigh in. :D

.....

So, last year, I did a one-card-a-month spread that helped me kind of decide what to focus on for the year, and it worked fairly well, I think. Last year's overall theme was Abundance, and in hindsight, that feels correct. I had an abundance of time and love and space, an abundance of wealth and security, an abundance of emotions. And I used that abundance of time and security to really sit with the emotions and work a lot of stuff out. It's still in progress, of course, but there were some realizations last year that were very important to make, and I wouldn't have been able to make them without giving myself the space to explore them. I allowed myself to have an abundance--and it was extremely difficult at times, because I'm so used to having scarcity, and oftentimes I struggled with capitalism's desire for me to give up my abundance--but I let it happen, I took the time I needed, even when I felt I didn't deserve it, and it helped. It really did help. This year was a much needed rest from previous years.

And it is tempting to take this rest and say, "all right, done with that, time to dive back in!" It's very hard for me to turn off the part of my brain that's saying, "everyone else is working really hard, everyone else is miserable, you should be too," but I'm trying to turn that off. I'm trying to take things slowly, to hold on to the rest I granted myself and take that forward. To move forward with purpose. To do things deliberately and well instead of hurriedly and because I "should." I am trying to shed Should and go with the flow. Let my own vibes and flow guide me, instead of doing what I think others think I should be doing.

God, just writing that made my brain have a moment of, "ah yes, you selfish bitch." But it is NOT selfish to take care of myself. It's not.

Gotta keep saying that until I believe it.

.....

So, I picked flow for 2024's theme. It felt right. And when I pulled Death for both my January spread and my year-long theme, it felt even more correct. Transition. Transformation. Letting the river carry me to a new place. And ending, so that there can be a new beginning. I'll take it.

I used the faery deck for no reason other than it Felt Right. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

2024:

0. Center, focus: Death. Transition, transformation, the journey. This card has never scared me they way it does for some people; I never see it as an omen. (I reserve all my superstitious fear for the Tower.) So I'm kind of excited to see this in the center. Let's see where it takes me.

1. January: Ace of Swords. I pull this card surprisingly often, and it always seems to pop up when I most need it. I've felt a little muddled and stagnant for the end of the year, so here's hoping that some Clarity can spark up through January and shine some light.

2. February: Five of Wands. Obstacles and conflict. Hm. I mean, it is February, and February always sucks. But obstacles aren't always insurmountable.

3. March: Ten of Wands. Burdens and responsibility. This isn't super surprising, considering the whole bookstore plan, but I'm hoping to avoid the "overwhelming" part of this card.

4. April: Justice. Hm. I don't think I've ever pulled this major. It is not one of the cards that comes up regularly to yell at me. I honestly don't really know what to do with it.

5. May: Nine of Pentacles. I am genuinely surprised that this is the only Pentacle I pulled. I take the Self-Sufficiency card in the year of bookstore planning as a good omen, though.

6. June: the High Priestess. Also not a major I pull often, if ever. Honestly, this whole pull was full of stuff I don't normally pull and don't quite know what to make of. But I like the High Priestess. I like that she's about intuition and wisdom, especially when I am quite terrible at following my intuition and that's one of the things I'm trying to be better at this year.

7. July: Queen of Swords. Clarity, directness, honesty. She's the queen who has always felt the most distant to me, the one I never really connect with. The Queen of Pentacles is the me card, so this just feels deeply opposite. Who is she.

8. August: Three of Swords. Not gonna lie, I pulled this spread three times--the first time, all of my least favorite cards came up, and my hands started shaking, so I decided to shuffle again until I felt calmer and in a better headspace. But no matter what, the three of swords came up in the back half of the year. It doesn't scare me in the same way as the Tower does, but it definitely makes me feel some kind of way.

9. September: Two of Swords. Kind of wild to me how many swords I pulled? I do pull swords often, but it was strange to see 1, 2, and 3 all up at the same time. Anyway, I'm well-acquainted with the two; avoidance has been a historical problem of mine.

10. October: Nine of Cups. I like this card. He kind of looks like an Aragorn to me, and that's very satisfying. And I always love when the Contentment card comes up. Especially since Lisa and I are planning a trip for October that should make me very extremely content.

11. November: Knight of Cups. My favorite knight. He follows his heart, and that is what I want to try to be better at this year. Always a good vibe for the birthday month.

12. December: Judgement. And we round this out with yet another major I've almost never seen before. Hm.

Overall, just a lot of HMM. Not quite sure what to do with most of this, but I've decided to let it stand. Gonna sit with it and feel the vibes and see what happens. I have hopes for this year, but not too many expectations. I'm trying to keep everything easy-going, not put too much pressure on myself--go with the flow. Fingers crossed.

Current Mood: hopeful

So last night, as I was driving down to El's house, I had: An Idea. It stemmed from a deep missing in me, and I kind of thought it was a joke, but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted it. I told El about it, and she didn't laugh--she thought it was a good idea and had had similar ones. I set it aside and had a really good night of hanging out and watching very stupid movies and just chilling.

But when I woke up this morning, the Idea was still there. So I told Lisa about it. She also thought it was a good idea and talk through some points of interest with me, pros and cons. Refined the idea with that logic-mind of hers (thank fuck--she balances me so well. I'm all wild, loud emotions screaming up to eleven and what ifs and she's just there being rational and looking for actual possibilities. I love her so much.) And told me I wasn't crazy.

In both conversations, the same negative point to this idea came up--it won't be profitable. There's no way. But the answer I had immediately ready for myself, El, and Lisa was: But it will probably make me happy, and doesn't that count for more?

I had a great day today. Lisa and I went out on a book-shopping date and chilled. I read a whole romance novel. We ate leftovers and watched Men Hit Hot Metal (Forged in Fire, the surprisingly wholesome blacksmithing competition show). I called my mom and told her about the Idea because I wanted to know what she thought about it. I...don't tell my mom about all my wild and insane ideas because most of them are insane. But I wanted to tell her about it. And she also also thinks it's a good idea. She was supportive. She made a solid point about a very positive part of it.

I haven't talked to K about it, but honestly, of my four Table Legs, K is the one most likely to not have an opinion on this Idea, and I'm ok with that. I'll get her opinion tomorrow or Tuesday, but in the meantime, I've got three votes for Think About It, It's Not a Bad Idea, and I'm... sitting with that.

It feels--hm. How do I explain this? All of my best ideas come out of nowhere, possess me for a chunk of time, and then turn out happily in the long run. I don't have these flashes of inspiration often, but whenever I do, it turns out good. And usually these ideas come out of nowhere, completely unexpected, taking me by surprise. They are things I've been weighing in the back of my brain, possibilities that are deeply vague and unconnected, and then something kicks at the fire and it flares and suddenly, I have a very spontaneous idea. Example? I had been thinking for years about getting a tattoo, had tossed a few ideas around in my head, nebulously, had a moment of brilliance and spontaneously went to get my tattoo the next day. Twice. And I love both of them with my whole heart.

This feels like that. On a much larger scale, definitely, but. It has that spontaneity and that bubble of absolute wild certainty that IF I do this, it will make me happy. There's this little bubble in my chest that's just...lifting. It's a rare feeling, very rare. But a welcome one. One that I love, deeply.

There is absolutely no forward movement on the Idea yet--there can't be. It's a HUGE step in a very profound and unexpected direction, and it relies heavily on other people and their decisions (most notably El). It is not something to be spontaneous about. And I'm not. I thinking about it deeply, I am mulling over pros and cons, I am debating with myself if it's even something I want. It's kind of the opposite of what I was planning on looking for this year. And it's something that doesn't have to happen now, if it happens at all! It could happen in ten years, honestly, but I'd still come back to this moment, driving in the dark and thinking about my favorite thing to do as a kid and I just... There would be happy.

I keep circling back and back to that question. This would not be, in any way, profitable, and it would probably cause us a ton of stress and anxiety and it would be difficult and confusing and it's totally insane to contemplate. But. I genuinely think it would make me happy. And isn't that more important?

I don't know. Like I said, there are absolutely NO decisions right now--this is something that must be slept on, sat with, pondered from every angle. This requires many conversations with many people, hashing out details before we even think about implementing it. But now that it's there, I keep thinking about it. And I know from past experience that it's going to keep niggling at me. Something clicked, and now I can't turn off that light. So we'll see. There is no rush and no pressure, but my wild, loud up-to-eleven what-ifs are out here yelling and I know that's a good sign. It always has been in the past.

---

And because I've been sitting with this for a full 30 hours now, and because whenever I get this excited and terrified bubble in my chest, I look at my cards, I...looked at my cards. And they made me laugh. Honestly, they made me full-body laugh.

I started with a "How to Get Unstuck" spread. This made me stare at the cards and just blink rapidly and chuckle.

1. Where are you stuck right now? The Queen of Pentacles. The This Bitch Was Made for Me Card. She nurtures, she supports, she cares so much. And yeah, that's me. I care so much I sometimes care too much. And I like that about myself, honestly, I do--I love how gigantic my heart is. But damn if it doesn't sometimes feel like that's all there is to me, and I don't know what to do with it. What do I do with that big, giant heart?
2. What is the underlying cause? Frikkin pentacles. I swear to god. the 8 is not one that comes up often for me, Patience and the Practical Application of Skills. But sure. The underlying cause of my stuckness on not knowing what to do with my big heart is not knowing where where to apply it, what to do with it. What skills do I have and how can I apply them for myself, to make myself happier? This card couldn't be louder if it tried.
3. How can you get unstuck? Strength. My very good friend who yells at me constantly. I honestly think that my cards are weighted like cheater's dice to pull Strength. And yeah--she is how I get unstuck. She is what I need to learn to better rely on. Hey girl--I'll try.

---

And I did I "Career Change" spread, too, just to see if they meshed, and this--this is what made me just dissolve into laughter. Because OF COURSE.

1. Essence of the career change. Nine of Cups. Satisfaction. Yes--that IS what I'm looking for with this. That's 100% what I've been searching for since I started job hunting the very first time. I mean, sure, it's kind of what everyone is looking for in their career, but I've never really known for sure what that means for me. And every time I've quit a job it's because something has been...unsatisfactory. Sometimes it's little things, sometimes bigger ones, but on the whole--my jobs have been Fine and I've been looking for something more. So yeah, in essence, this is absolutely 100% the reason for this career shift (I hesitate to call it a full change; I'm not swapping industries here).
2. what is holding me back? The Magician. I love her, and was deeply surprised to see her here, but... yeah. My own skill and willpower--or lack of confidence in them--are absolutely holding me back. Always.
3. parts of myself to nurture through this change. Nine of Wands: inner strength and preparation. Ha. yes. I will need a shitton of both of those if this Idea is going to stand up.
4. parts of myself to protect through this change. King of Wands. Visions and leadership. Two things I tend to self-deprecate about. Not things I consider myself very good at and things that are definitely vulnerable points, sore points that people have poked, prodded, and bruised in the past.
5. how to learn from any early efforts. And there she is. The Moon. I flipped her over and could not stop laughing. Learn from my anxieties? Sure. But here's the thing I've been sort of thinking about a lot in the last few months: the Moon is the anxiety card, sure, but honestly, for me it's been morphing into the El Card for a while now. It's not even because of the anxiety association, not at all. It's just...the Moon. El's got Moon energy. That's her card. So how to learn? From El. Yeah. Absolutely. Always. Learn from her strength and persistence, learn from her passion and deliberate thoughtfulness, learn from her and the way she pauses to think things through? Yes. Absolutely.

Thanks, universe.

I'm listening.

There's still a lot to think about. Everything is deeply nebulous and vague and just an absolute glimmer of an idea. But when I turned over one more card for shits and giggles and the Wheel of Fortune showed up... I laughed. Turning points.
Yeah. No kidding.

Stealing El's idea and doing a one-a-month spread for 2023, now that I'm in a slightly better headspace (I was right--I did feel better after sleeping, it just wasn't last night's sleeping, it was a weird nap at 8pm tonight. Idk, man, I just live here). I'm still feeling very low and depressed, but I've had some good chats with K and Lisa and I allowed myself some time to wallow in my misery. And I got up out of bed and Did a Thing (it was play video games, but it counts) and that helped. Doing Something always helps. I think a lot of this funk is flu-related--I'm really struggling with being sick, especially with being sick this week, and everything about it is just kicking my ass and keeping me down. New Year's is usually a very quiet, calm day for me, where I get to sort of set the stage for the year and think about what I want out of the upcoming months, but this year all of that good juju got absolutely swallowed and I was left with. Well. You read last night's post.

I'm resolved to leave my apartment tomorrow, even if it's just to go check the mail and take the trash out, and honestly, I think that will help immensely. Being cooped up and ill for a week has really just worn me to withering.

I've also reminded myself that nothing is actually constrained by the seasons, and I can, in fact, listen to the Nutcracker whenever I want to, so I'm doing that while I'm typing and that's making me feel so much better. I love so many things about this music.

I pulled my heart/mind/body for January first and that was a laugh (ok, 8 of swords, I see you, now leave me alone), but I wanted to steal El's spread so I did. And I'm feeling....some kind of way about it.

(I could have picked a better background to lay those cards against, huh?)

0. Middle card, the Focus: Ace of Pentacles. First off, I simply ADORE this card, it is one of my absolute favorites in this deck El made me, and I feel a huge sense of calm and relief every time I turn it over (which is not often). I do pull pentacles with a baffling regularity, though, and it seems appropriate that I start with the Ace. I know pentacles is all about material and financial, technically, but I learned a long time ago that when I pull them, they mean more than that. So Abundance and Security as a theme for 2023? Sure, I look forward to financial security, but I also want to pull that focus in all the other directions, too. Security in health, wealth, creativity? God, I can only hope so.

1. January: Nine of Swords: Also appropriate, since I pull swords more than any other suit except the majors (all my cards like to yell at me in majors), but like. Oof. The nine? thanks. I like that El found me a card labeled Dedication. It feels deeply optimistic compared to my usual reading of the card which is, "ah, yes, the Nightmare Card." To be fair, I do think I'm going to be spending a lot of January recovering from The Horrors (ie: 2022), so as soon as I flipped it, I was like "Lol yeah, depression seems correct." But the thing about my depression is that I am deeply, deeply dedicated to taking it gently by the hand and reminding it that it's not the boss of me anymore. I've made a lot of progress in fighting my depression over these last few years, and so there is something comforting about this card turning up and saying, "I know you are dedicated to this fight. Keep going."

2. February: the Hanged Man: Not one of the majors who usually yells at me, but hey bro. New perspectives. Surrender and acceptance. Considering that February is going to hit the One Year Without Dad marker, yeah, this feels prophetic.

3. March: Five of Pentacles: Just sort of quietly flicking my eyes between this one and my little mouse friend repeatedly, trying to figure out why the opposites are both here in this spread. I am not a fan of this card. I have Endured enough.

4. April: Two of Pentacles: See what I mean when I say I pull a disproportionate number of pentacles? It's weird. I like the two though. Juggling and flexibility are two things that I have trained myself to be good at over time. While I do wish I could maybe take a break from multitasking, it's nice to know that spring will be manageable.

5. May: Temperance: also not a major that usually yells at me. I think I've drawn her n-once in the last two years? She knows I'm bad at self-restraint and she stays away from me. This is one of my absolute favorite card designs I have in this deck, though, so. There's that.

6. June: Ace of Swords: a good friend of mine, this card. Clarity. This card always seems to show up exactly when I need it to, so here's hoping that holds true.

(I'm realizing that this Nutcracker I have in my itunes is like. a brass-focused orchestra, so like. it's a little weird. don't really like it. should have just listened to the usual one on youtube I've got bookmarked. alas.).

7. July: The Fool: There she is! My oldest, deepest friend, the Fool! New beginnings! I love her! July is a long way off, but I'll be looking forward to her.

8. August: the Queen of Cups: Right so. Cups. I never pull cups. My emotions are usually loud enough on their own that they don't need the cards to talk to me. But the Queen of Imagination is my favorite Queen in the deck (not the one I am--oh dear god, I have infinitely too much Queen of Pentacles in me, it's a problem), so I always like to see her turn up. She means a lot to me.

9. September: Ten of Wands: You know, I'm shocked there aren't more wands in this pull. But the Ten sort of...if I had to have one wands, why'd it have to be this one?

10. October: Four of Wands: ...Oh wait, there is another wand, and hey look, it's the best one there is! Celebration! I'm a little glad it's slotted in after the overwhelming responsibility...

11. November: The Tower: hahahahahahahahaha. yeah. Listen, I always try really hard not to see the Tower as a negative. Upheaval and disruption can sometimes be good--change can be good. Sometimes, you have to break so that you can mend. But after a year full of Towers and looking ahead and knowing there are several possible Towers in my future, I can't help seeing Catastrophe and wishing it was in any other month. Not my birthday, universe. Please? Sometimes I think I should take this card out of my deck entirely, because every time I turn it over, I just get: Dread. but there's a sick little part of me that would rather know. Forewarned, forearmed and all that.

12. December: Strength: one of the majors who yells at me a lot. If she has to be here, I'm glad she's at the end. Courage and resolve to see me through the last.

Five majors and mostly pentacles...seems usual. I'm surprised there aren't more court cards, honestly? I seem to usually get court cards when I do big overviews like this. But still... half the year is yelling at me and I'm not sure I like what it's yelling.

I know that 2023 is going to be hard. As evidenced by my breakdown last night as the clock ticked over, there's a lot going on. There is the possibility of great, deep sorrow and it's hard to see any slight chance of joy around that, but I'm squinting into the train light and trying to see the sun. I'm trying. It's a little funny to see my security mouse out there surrounded by all these generally negative or at least not particularly optimistic cards. I'm going to hold on to him for dear life.