ok 2023, what ya got for me?
Jan. 1st, 2023 11:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stardustbunnies Stealing El's idea and doing a one-a-month spread for 2023, now that I'm in a slightly better headspace (I was right--I did feel better after sleeping, it just wasn't last night's sleeping, it was a weird nap at 8pm tonight. Idk, man, I just live here). I'm still feeling very low and depressed, but I've had some good chats with K and Lisa and I allowed myself some time to wallow in my misery. And I got up out of bed and Did a Thing (it was play video games, but it counts) and that helped. Doing Something always helps. I think a lot of this funk is flu-related--I'm really struggling with being sick, especially with being sick this week, and everything about it is just kicking my ass and keeping me down. New Year's is usually a very quiet, calm day for me, where I get to sort of set the stage for the year and think about what I want out of the upcoming months, but this year all of that good juju got absolutely swallowed and I was left with. Well. You read last night's post.
I'm resolved to leave my apartment tomorrow, even if it's just to go check the mail and take the trash out, and honestly, I think that will help immensely. Being cooped up and ill for a week has really just worn me to withering.
I've also reminded myself that nothing is actually constrained by the seasons, and I can, in fact, listen to the Nutcracker whenever I want to, so I'm doing that while I'm typing and that's making me feel so much better. I love so many things about this music.
I pulled my heart/mind/body for January first and that was a laugh (ok, 8 of swords, I see you, now leave me alone), but I wanted to steal El's spread so I did. And I'm feeling....some kind of way about it.
(I could have picked a better background to lay those cards against, huh?)
0. Middle card, the Focus: Ace of Pentacles. First off, I simply ADORE this card, it is one of my absolute favorites in this deck El made me, and I feel a huge sense of calm and relief every time I turn it over (which is not often). I do pull pentacles with a baffling regularity, though, and it seems appropriate that I start with the Ace. I know pentacles is all about material and financial, technically, but I learned a long time ago that when I pull them, they mean more than that. So Abundance and Security as a theme for 2023? Sure, I look forward to financial security, but I also want to pull that focus in all the other directions, too. Security in health, wealth, creativity? God, I can only hope so.
1. January: Nine of Swords: Also appropriate, since I pull swords more than any other suit except the majors (all my cards like to yell at me in majors), but like. Oof. The nine? thanks. I like that El found me a card labeled Dedication. It feels deeply optimistic compared to my usual reading of the card which is, "ah, yes, the Nightmare Card." To be fair, I do think I'm going to be spending a lot of January recovering from The Horrors (ie: 2022), so as soon as I flipped it, I was like "Lol yeah, depression seems correct." But the thing about my depression is that I am deeply, deeply dedicated to taking it gently by the hand and reminding it that it's not the boss of me anymore. I've made a lot of progress in fighting my depression over these last few years, and so there is something comforting about this card turning up and saying, "I know you are dedicated to this fight. Keep going."
2. February: the Hanged Man: Not one of the majors who usually yells at me, but hey bro. New perspectives. Surrender and acceptance. Considering that February is going to hit the One Year Without Dad marker, yeah, this feels prophetic.
3. March: Five of Pentacles: Just sort of quietly flicking my eyes between this one and my little mouse friend repeatedly, trying to figure out why the opposites are both here in this spread. I am not a fan of this card. I have Endured enough.
4. April: Two of Pentacles: See what I mean when I say I pull a disproportionate number of pentacles? It's weird. I like the two though. Juggling and flexibility are two things that I have trained myself to be good at over time. While I do wish I could maybe take a break from multitasking, it's nice to know that spring will be manageable.
5. May: Temperance: also not a major that usually yells at me. I think I've drawn her n-once in the last two years? She knows I'm bad at self-restraint and she stays away from me. This is one of my absolute favorite card designs I have in this deck, though, so. There's that.
6. June: Ace of Swords: a good friend of mine, this card. Clarity. This card always seems to show up exactly when I need it to, so here's hoping that holds true.
(I'm realizing that this Nutcracker I have in my itunes is like. a brass-focused orchestra, so like. it's a little weird. don't really like it. should have just listened to the usual one on youtube I've got bookmarked. alas.).
7. July: The Fool: There she is! My oldest, deepest friend, the Fool! New beginnings! I love her! July is a long way off, but I'll be looking forward to her.
8. August: the Queen of Cups: Right so. Cups. I never pull cups. My emotions are usually loud enough on their own that they don't need the cards to talk to me. But the Queen of Imagination is my favorite Queen in the deck (not the one I am--oh dear god, I have infinitely too much Queen of Pentacles in me, it's a problem), so I always like to see her turn up. She means a lot to me.
9. September: Ten of Wands: You know, I'm shocked there aren't more wands in this pull. But the Ten sort of...if I had to have one wands, why'd it have to be this one?
10. October: Four of Wands: ...Oh wait, there is another wand, and hey look, it's the best one there is! Celebration! I'm a little glad it's slotted in after the overwhelming responsibility...
11. November: The Tower: hahahahahahahahaha. yeah. Listen, I always try really hard not to see the Tower as a negative. Upheaval and disruption can sometimes be good--change can be good. Sometimes, you have to break so that you can mend. But after a year full of Towers and looking ahead and knowing there are several possible Towers in my future, I can't help seeing Catastrophe and wishing it was in any other month. Not my birthday, universe. Please? Sometimes I think I should take this card out of my deck entirely, because every time I turn it over, I just get: Dread. but there's a sick little part of me that would rather know. Forewarned, forearmed and all that.
12. December: Strength: one of the majors who yells at me a lot. If she has to be here, I'm glad she's at the end. Courage and resolve to see me through the last.
Five majors and mostly pentacles...seems usual. I'm surprised there aren't more court cards, honestly? I seem to usually get court cards when I do big overviews like this. But still... half the year is yelling at me and I'm not sure I like what it's yelling.
I know that 2023 is going to be hard. As evidenced by my breakdown last night as the clock ticked over, there's a lot going on. There is the possibility of great, deep sorrow and it's hard to see any slight chance of joy around that, but I'm squinting into the train light and trying to see the sun. I'm trying. It's a little funny to see my security mouse out there surrounded by all these generally negative or at least not particularly optimistic cards. I'm going to hold on to him for dear life.
I'm resolved to leave my apartment tomorrow, even if it's just to go check the mail and take the trash out, and honestly, I think that will help immensely. Being cooped up and ill for a week has really just worn me to withering.
I've also reminded myself that nothing is actually constrained by the seasons, and I can, in fact, listen to the Nutcracker whenever I want to, so I'm doing that while I'm typing and that's making me feel so much better. I love so many things about this music.
I pulled my heart/mind/body for January first and that was a laugh (ok, 8 of swords, I see you, now leave me alone), but I wanted to steal El's spread so I did. And I'm feeling....some kind of way about it.
(I could have picked a better background to lay those cards against, huh?)
0. Middle card, the Focus: Ace of Pentacles. First off, I simply ADORE this card, it is one of my absolute favorites in this deck El made me, and I feel a huge sense of calm and relief every time I turn it over (which is not often). I do pull pentacles with a baffling regularity, though, and it seems appropriate that I start with the Ace. I know pentacles is all about material and financial, technically, but I learned a long time ago that when I pull them, they mean more than that. So Abundance and Security as a theme for 2023? Sure, I look forward to financial security, but I also want to pull that focus in all the other directions, too. Security in health, wealth, creativity? God, I can only hope so.
1. January: Nine of Swords: Also appropriate, since I pull swords more than any other suit except the majors (all my cards like to yell at me in majors), but like. Oof. The nine? thanks. I like that El found me a card labeled Dedication. It feels deeply optimistic compared to my usual reading of the card which is, "ah, yes, the Nightmare Card." To be fair, I do think I'm going to be spending a lot of January recovering from The Horrors (ie: 2022), so as soon as I flipped it, I was like "Lol yeah, depression seems correct." But the thing about my depression is that I am deeply, deeply dedicated to taking it gently by the hand and reminding it that it's not the boss of me anymore. I've made a lot of progress in fighting my depression over these last few years, and so there is something comforting about this card turning up and saying, "I know you are dedicated to this fight. Keep going."
2. February: the Hanged Man: Not one of the majors who usually yells at me, but hey bro. New perspectives. Surrender and acceptance. Considering that February is going to hit the One Year Without Dad marker, yeah, this feels prophetic.
3. March: Five of Pentacles: Just sort of quietly flicking my eyes between this one and my little mouse friend repeatedly, trying to figure out why the opposites are both here in this spread. I am not a fan of this card. I have Endured enough.
4. April: Two of Pentacles: See what I mean when I say I pull a disproportionate number of pentacles? It's weird. I like the two though. Juggling and flexibility are two things that I have trained myself to be good at over time. While I do wish I could maybe take a break from multitasking, it's nice to know that spring will be manageable.
5. May: Temperance: also not a major that usually yells at me. I think I've drawn her n-once in the last two years? She knows I'm bad at self-restraint and she stays away from me. This is one of my absolute favorite card designs I have in this deck, though, so. There's that.
6. June: Ace of Swords: a good friend of mine, this card. Clarity. This card always seems to show up exactly when I need it to, so here's hoping that holds true.
(I'm realizing that this Nutcracker I have in my itunes is like. a brass-focused orchestra, so like. it's a little weird. don't really like it. should have just listened to the usual one on youtube I've got bookmarked. alas.).
7. July: The Fool: There she is! My oldest, deepest friend, the Fool! New beginnings! I love her! July is a long way off, but I'll be looking forward to her.
8. August: the Queen of Cups: Right so. Cups. I never pull cups. My emotions are usually loud enough on their own that they don't need the cards to talk to me. But the Queen of Imagination is my favorite Queen in the deck (not the one I am--oh dear god, I have infinitely too much Queen of Pentacles in me, it's a problem), so I always like to see her turn up. She means a lot to me.
9. September: Ten of Wands: You know, I'm shocked there aren't more wands in this pull. But the Ten sort of...if I had to have one wands, why'd it have to be this one?
10. October: Four of Wands: ...Oh wait, there is another wand, and hey look, it's the best one there is! Celebration! I'm a little glad it's slotted in after the overwhelming responsibility...
11. November: The Tower: hahahahahahahahaha. yeah. Listen, I always try really hard not to see the Tower as a negative. Upheaval and disruption can sometimes be good--change can be good. Sometimes, you have to break so that you can mend. But after a year full of Towers and looking ahead and knowing there are several possible Towers in my future, I can't help seeing Catastrophe and wishing it was in any other month. Not my birthday, universe. Please? Sometimes I think I should take this card out of my deck entirely, because every time I turn it over, I just get: Dread. but there's a sick little part of me that would rather know. Forewarned, forearmed and all that.
12. December: Strength: one of the majors who yells at me a lot. If she has to be here, I'm glad she's at the end. Courage and resolve to see me through the last.
Five majors and mostly pentacles...seems usual. I'm surprised there aren't more court cards, honestly? I seem to usually get court cards when I do big overviews like this. But still... half the year is yelling at me and I'm not sure I like what it's yelling.
I know that 2023 is going to be hard. As evidenced by my breakdown last night as the clock ticked over, there's a lot going on. There is the possibility of great, deep sorrow and it's hard to see any slight chance of joy around that, but I'm squinting into the train light and trying to see the sun. I'm trying. It's a little funny to see my security mouse out there surrounded by all these generally negative or at least not particularly optimistic cards. I'm going to hold on to him for dear life.
